Nocturnal Conditions

I had a rather unusual experience last night.  I'm not sure how to process it.

I date, but it has been awhile since I've been in a real relationship.  I have a girl I 'date,' but we're far from monogamous, and neither of us are really ready to take that plunge.  Maybe someday, though.  I know I wouldn't exactly rule it out.

But, I guess that's not the point.  Currently, I live with a roommate, which is normally not that odd, except that mine is one of my ex's.  Let's call him Seamus.  There was a time when we weren't even on speaking terms, but we ran into each other one day, and realized that we had good initial instincts, but lousy direction.  We make good friends (normally), and we can (usually) co-habitate without killing each other, but going that extra step was not a good idea.  We need separate rooms, beds, and lives -- just like me and all my other friends.

Last night, I had a particularly bad time.  Everything was hurting...I laid in bed and tried to not think about it.  It was just too much; I started crying.  And once I started, I couldn't stop.  I thought I was quiet, but Seamus crept in and asked if I was all right.  I told him that I was fine, just in pain, and he left without a word.  I figured I was being left alone to suffer in silence and solitude.


A few minutes later he came back with a cup of my favourite tea and my medication.

I took my meds and drank my tea while he perched on the edge of my bed in his boxers, half asleep and yawning, with his hair sticking up everywhere.  Afterward, I thanked him and excavated a spot on my nightstand for my empty mug amongst the discarded barrettes, accessories, books, and other sundries typically laid aside before bed.  I snuggled back down under the blankets and expected him to leave.  Instead, he quietly climbed under with me.  And, despite the fact that I was completely naked, and despite the fact that we have a history, he just held me.

Not even an errant hand on a boob.

There's a gross social misperception about sex and intimacy.  The two are by no means necessarily concurrent. I've certainly had loads of sex with no intimacy, and I've experienced intimacy with no sex whatsoever.  Sometimes, though, the two do twine together, and that's when it's great.  And yeah, special.  But that wasn't what I needed last night, and thankfully, he got that.  In fact, that was one of the (many) reasons we didn't work; we were always much better at non-sexual intimacy.  And that makes a good friend.


Before I started Working, I had an inkling that my personal sexual life and dating scope would forever be changed, but I had no idea to what degree.  It's staggering to remember how differently I used to view matters of the heart, especially when it comes to biological men (as opposed to transmen...FTMs...look it up).  I'm essentially a completely different girl now.  Not that it's necessarily a bad thing -- the New Girl is a lot more savvy, a lot less trusting, way more adventurous in bed, and sure as hell knows what to look for a guy's computer.


And, no, in case you're wondering, work was not why Seamus and I split, even though I worked through all of our relationship.  He was very supportive, actually.  I'm sure I'll delve more into the details at a later date, but for now, I think I just want some soup.


I'm not sure which is more painful right now... the flare-ups, or the sudden reflections that I'll never get that other girl back.